11 Weeks

It has been 11 weeks since I have been here.  Eleven weeks since I have complained, bitched, relished, laughed, joked or told anyone what the heck is going on in Pinto Bean land.  In 11 weeks we have said so much, done so much and grown so much I don’t even know where to start and maybe that’s why I’ve continued to ignore this place.  I’ve almost given up coming here.  I’ve almost deleted the whole thing several times, logged in only to log back out immediately.

I don’t know how to start again, I don’t know how to revisit one of my favourite places and do the one thing that was bringing me such catharsis. Is it just that, like a twelve step program?  The first step in a new direction is acknowledgement that you need to start down a new path?

Maybe it is that easy, I guess this is the first step down my new path.  For now, I’m happy that I made it this far and I hope to see you again soon my old friend.  

My Sanctuary

Everyone has that special place where they can go and just be.  You can arrive at your sanctuary knowing that whatever the day(s) bring you’ll be able to handle it because you are in your safe place.  You are somewhere where everyone knows you, the real YOU. You can laugh, cry, scream or just sit in silence. You wake up in the morning and go to sleep at night with the same sense of calm.  The calmness tickles your skin, seeps into your pores and puts a feeling of euphoria over your entire being.

This nirvana like atmosphere is with you and inside you from the moment you arrive until the moment you depart.  This place is like a drug, it’s addictive, habit-forming and makes you feel so alive. You don’t understand why some people choose to never experience this, or why some people choose to leave early.

There are moments when you feel like “this is it”, this is all I need. A moment here can wash away headaches, worries, anxieties and unease.

This is a place I love , a place where being a kid is so much fun and I’m so lucky that I can share it with my Beans, the 3rd generation of sanctuary lovers.

 

Time

It’s been far too long since I’ve been here. Far too long that I’ve neglected what has been a saviour to me. I began coming here to help me find me and I’m well on my way in that search and rescue mission but feel that there is still a missing person out there. I’ve laughed, I’ve cried, I’ve ranted and raved.  I’ve bitched and moaned and hailed and applauded.  So why have I been ignoring you?  Why have I not found that few minutes a day?  Why have I not let my finger tips tickle the ivories so to speak?

Life. That is why I haven’t been accumulating my frequent flyer miles lately. Life, it’s the other four letter word. Life happens but then nothing happens.  I let LIFE happen, but because of LIFE happening, nothing happens. The life of getting up with the alarm and going through the motions of the day only to end the day no further ahead than when I started the day. Nothing really accomplished, nothing really gained, nothing really cherished, nothing of consequence lost, just nothing.

I spend so much of my time making sure that certain things get done in the way they should, when they should and how they should that I’ve ignored the other side of life.  The side filled with spontaneous fun, laughter, joy, passion and even spontaneous anger.

I was telling T last night that we just don’t have enough time anymore.  Time for the fun that used to be us, but us is now different.  We aren’t just spouses anymore, we’re parents.  Why do so many people (or is it just me) let the old ways die when the new life of parenting has entered our homes?  Sadly, our hunt for more time isn’t going to resolve itself anytime soon.  It might actually start to get worse as the Beans get older and start school, homework, sports, friends etc.  So how do I make sure I find that time? 

What do I give up to get more time? What do I change to get more time?  How can I stop that clock from racing around day in and day out without finding that precious time I and WE need so badly?

Time – I need it.

Exhibitionist & A Vampire

This morning on my way to work our nanny calls me laughing hysterically.  I guess little Miss Sofie was as naked as a jaybird.  Sometime in the night this little devil angel removed her sleep sack, onesie & diaper.  Also, sometime during the night she peed in her bed.  EVERYWHERE!

All things considered, it could have been much worse, she could have been covered in poo first thing in the morning.

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Sebastian has also started to bite everyone.  The other day he gave me a great hug and cuddle only to be followed by a vampire style bite to my neck.  I almost dropped him it hurt so bad.  He’s also been biting Sofie nonstop.  He goes in for a nice hug only to follow it with a ferocious bite.  The poor girl has teeth marks on her ankle, thigh, arm and back – how the heck do I stop this?

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On another note, tomorrow morning the family is venturing down to Long Island for a few days of R&R with some very good friends.

I’m told the drinks will be ready and waiting for us when we arrive and the weather forecast is the same – sun & heat ~ fantastic! 

We’re so looking forward to this, I just hope our friends are ready for these two crazy kids.

SHHHH

Sunday morning we woke up to an eerily quiet house.  There was no crying, babbling, screaming or pitter patter of little feet at our abode.  For the first time in 16 months T and I were in our own home together.  ALONE!  I’ve been alone in the house and T has been alone in the house, but never have we experienced this moment of bliss together.

T and I had a date night on Saturday and the Beans were shipped off to the Grandparents house overnight.  Dinner was a bit of a let down (I won’t bother telling you where we went but we did go to a very highly rated restaurant in the city that we had gone to in the past and loved but this time – not up to par).

Even with the not so fabulous dinner it was still a great night out followed by a delicious morning of sitting on the back deck, looking at the forest, listening to the birds, drinking our coffee and reading our books.  That’s right – we were able to drink our coffee in peace, read more than a paragraph at a time and just be.

We chinked our coffee cups together and said a toast to many more moments of alone time in our house!